My day at the football by Taff (aged 32 and 2/3)

Posting on the Something Awful forums I saw this post, and immediately responded


So here’s my guide to having a great day at the match

On a match day you might find yourself full of energy, thats why I always recommend a some physical exercise. This will help calm you down a little by using up some of the excitement. Personally I always enjoy a run, which is what I did, and you can read my running report here



After a run or your chosen exercise you’ll probably be tired and a bit sweaty, this is not a good thing. You do not want to be sweaty when you go to the football or people might start calling you the sweatymong, sweaty twat, or shout “sit down you fucking ugly fat welsh cunt” at you during Man United Fulham last season.

I assume anyway, I wouldnt know because I always have a after workout pre match shower

2014-08-16 004
Managed to cover up both nipples but didnt realise I was covered in cum.

After the shower be sure to carefully choose what you wear. Yes, the newest team shirt is a nice choice, but personally I like to pick a classic shirt like this one from 98-00, and while youre getting ready be sure to practice kissing the badge, its going to come in useful when your team bag a few clutch goals

2014-08-16 030

You dont want to look an idiot at the game so heres a few helpful links

How to pronounce some players names – you do not want to be caught out Yohan Cabaye Yohan Kebab like Joe Kinnear did.
A site with lots of clubs and how to do their chants –  if you like a laff (with Taff) click on Chelsea to see their most popular chant thats described as “Makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up. All time classic (again).”
Wikipedia – here you can read all about your club and its rivals and be sure that you understand the club thanks to the worlds most popular online encyclopedia

Before leaving the house

With that done its time to travel to the match. Depending on what game youre going to this might be easy or you might be sat in traffic, like me, Taff

2014-08-16 008

Thankfully cause I’m not one of those nasty plastics (boooo) I live close to the ground, and I could even park at where I work for free. Heres a pic of my car for my good friend @IdiotRace

2014-08-16 023


After arriving and parking you can go to the match. Heres where it starts to get exciting but also a bit scary to be honest. Theres loads of people walking in the same direction all wearing the same colour and theres probably singing as well.

2014-08-16 009

2014-08-16 010


Normally pre match I get a filthy meal of fish chips and curry sauce, but I didnt bring any money and had to queue up for ages for cash and by that time, the match was not far off starting

2014-08-16 011Now the match is about to start so heres a few tips

  • Everytime you see someone fall over and hear the ref whistle shout “Fucks sake ref!!!!”. Doesnt matter which team it is, you’ll look spot on.
  • If youre unsure of who a player is, they wear numbers on the back and theres usually a guide on the back of the programme so you know who is who
  • If theres a goal dont immediately start celebrating, check that the people around you are celebrating first. You dont want to get caught out by real fans
  • Try not to play any games on your phone, yes its tempted but the only acceptable use of your phone during the match is to check the words in chants and have a look on twitter to see if anyones made comments about the game that you can steal to say to the guy next to you to look like youre paying attention.
  • Dont do this:

After the first 45 minutes you dont have to stay in your seat anymore, you can go and have a little walk and even have a wee if you want. Personally I used this time to feul up

2014-08-16 0132014-08-16 014A little note here, that pie was fucking awful. I needed a fork to eat it because i was so juicy and the pastry wasnt strong enough for me to hold. Honestly this pie was shit and probably the biggest disappointment of my entire day

After that youve got another 45 minutes of football to watch. Then slump into the deep depression as you realise you just paid £700 for a season ticket to watch this shite

2014-08-16 016

If youre with someone that supports the other team thats just beaten you now is the point where you throw a tantrum and storm off

Or alternately inflate your head into a balloon and float off


And thats how you enjoy a day at the football

Luckily even tho we lost I bought a scratchcard and won a tenner

2014-08-16 029

So that salvaged the day!



  • dan


  • your mum


  • pooshited


  • Dad

    Classic – I just wasted my time reading this!

  • justcola

    Thanks for the top tips, looks like you had a fun day! x

  • Pissflops

    Pooshited from your fat flat white arse

  • pie

    really sorry about your pie