Rach and the Milk Thief

milk_thiefWritten by Rach

I’m one of those annoyingly calorie conscious people. I drink two litres of water a day, I get prangs of guilt when I eat a chocolate bar, I eat five portions of fruit and veg, and for as far back as I can remember I’ve used skimmed milk in the things I eat and drink.

And this is where the story of the milk thief starts…

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Andy Chiefs Stag Do

From my old Livejournal

So the first of my friends, Andy “Chief”, is getting married and it was his stag do, or bachelour party for you Americans, on the weekend. It was in Leeds. I headed over with Top Dave and Andy Lad, excited that I was going to see my good friend and most missed person ever Davey Cum Head.

Yes. Cum Head.

I love Davey, hes awesome. He’s short and has a childlike face and gets mistaken for being 12 even though hes 25. He also has hair thats pretty white, so we call him Cum Head based on that. Classy eh? I remember one time calling his house and not being able to remember his real name as his mother answered the phone, and having to ask “is your son there”.

The day started off with Go Karting. I must have got a shit car, because I couldnt overtake anyone and was left to resort to blocking people who got near me. Seriously the acceleration on mine was shit. I finished 4th out of 8 though, with it being based on how many laps you did. I think the fact that I didnt crash at all helped me out. I think Andy Lad, Top Dave and Chief were in the top 3 in our heat and went on to the final, where Top Dave ended up winning.

After that we headed to the Chiefs house and played a game of blackjack where we all took turns as the dealer, with a pound a hand. It was pretty fun. We all got ready and even had time to do a “little white bag”. Nope thats not a cocaine reference, its when you order a takeaway for a nearby house and watch it get delivered and laugh. We used to do them all the time at uni, ringing different takeaways and sending like 6 to the same house and watching while laughing. Yes its lame and pathetic but it used to make us laugh so we decided to make an order, then all forgot to watch it so missed it being delivered.

Then we headed to the bar where the do was being held, a place called The Elbow Room which is a pool hall type place. We had our own room and fridge stacked with beer. A competition was arranged to keep us busy, with partners drawn at random. I ended up with Chiefs uncle Gerry, and we managed to win our first game. Chief and Top Dave were partnered together and beat Davey Cum Heads team, and Andy Lad who had been bragging about how he would win was knocked out in the first round. By the time it got to my second game my partner had left so I was left with a guy who had just turned up who was one of the worst players Ive ever played with. We were against two of the brides family members, and as I noticed them having a joke decided to join in, sticking my arse in the way of shots and hamming it up when it was my turn. The whole time we were playing I was just laughing and joking. The brides family loved it and were giving as good as I was sending at them. Somehow we managed to squeak the win, and I was celebrating on my knees with a roar as they all laughed and all tried to hug me. We were given a bye to the final and were up against two blokes who were AWESOME pool players and I was fully expecting to lose. But pool can be a funny old game and when they had just the black left we had 4 balls on the table and they just fouled. I was left with two shots and with the brides family cheering me on I cleared up without needing the extra shot and danced a little victory dance!

After this a lot of Chiefs brother and his friends had fucked off to a club, so it was suggested we go to a pub nearer Chiefs house to be able to get home earlier. One of the people out knew the owners of a conservative members club and gave them a ring and they said they’d stay open a few hours for us. Top Dave, Andy Lad, Davey Cum Head and Chief all got in the one taxi and I was left with some other people. I was falling asleep on the journey and woke up to find myself outside a shitty looking pub in Bingley. I walked in and someone bought me a drink and I suddenly realised that I didnt know any of the people who were left, it was all the Brides family and Chief and the lads werent there despite leaving before us. My phone was dead so I couldnt ring so I had to be social. EWWWWWWW.

So left on my own with all these 40-50 year olds that were the brides family so how could I break the ice? Well I did it by calling them all cunts and slagging them off individually as they laughed and called me a legend. Chief then turned up on his own, and it turned out that the rest of the guys had all gone back to his house to sleep!

The pub we were in had a kareoke machine so they turned it on for us. Now just like gloomchen I love kareoke. They made me get up and sing first and they made me do a Tom Jones song – SEXBOMB. Being a fan I knew the words, so sang it and didnt need to look at the screen. The whole time Chief was sat there looking at me and cheering and pointing at me while saying things to people and by the time I finished I got a standing ovation! Chief was going crazy saying I needed to sing at his wedding cause it was the greatest thing hed ever seen. He got up to do Sweet Caroline but the kareoke machine broke, and so everyone was saying it was due to my awesomeness

With no kareoke machine working, Chief decided he still wanted me to sing, so he made me get up and sing acapella! I did Crocodile Rock by Elton John and everyone loved that too. So now all the brides family who Ive never met before love me and want me on their table at the wedding because I’m a legend. I was loving it.  We realised we could just put dvds on through the TV and not have the kareoke equipment on, so we did a few more songs including “Everything Changes” “American Pie” and “Dreaming of You”.

Chief and I got in a taxi to his house then and when we got to his house the three guys I had come up with were asleep, so Chief walked in and turned the lights on and started singing my praises. He then made me sing, then we did Vanilla Ice, some Snoop Dogg song and danced round the room after taking all our clothes except our pants off. All the while Andy Lad and Dave were sat there bewildered at us.

We got to bed about 5am after a load more songs. In all a great weekend 🙂